Keira Knightley

In a Zoolander moment, Keira Knightley has come out with this gem:

"Australian Aborigines say that with every photograph that is taken, a piece of your soul goes with it."

"And there are some days when I kind of believe that."

Oh, the woes of being a film actress! It's a tough life for poor jaded Keira, with all these cameras stealing her soul. Lucky the Australian Aborigines were able to provide her with a tribal belief she could identify with! She's so deep.


Above: Keira Knightley SO hating having her photo taken.

Milkcrate Advice

"Dear Milkcrate,

My son is a professional stripper and has offered to perform at my best friend's hens night. Everything thinks it will be a hoot, and while I try to support him in his chosen career, I don't feel this is a good idea. What should I do?

From Partypooper"


Dear Partypooper,

My advice to you is to approach the event as a bonding exercise. As children grow into adulthood, it's important to find activities that the family can enjoy together in a more mature setting.

That way, parents and their adult children can learn to relate as equals, while still sharing a respectful and supportive relationship. Naturally, part of this process is to show an appreciation of your child's chosen vocation.

Your smiling face in the crowd of writhing, clapping, erotically charged middle aged women will mean the world to your precious baby boy - as well as give him the chance to say to you and the world, 'Hey mamma! I'm a man now!'.

And what better way to say 'I'm proud of you, son!' than by allowing him to blindfold you before removing his sequined g-string with your teeth?

So come on, Partypooper - Put in your dentures, it's time to get happy!

- Milkcrate

Moustaches - Half Iago, Half Fu Manchu, All Bastard

A lot of you may have woken up on December the 1^st and sighed in relief that November was over and you wouldn’t have to see a swarm of moustaches when you walked down your local high street.

But when you went to your local pub for a celebratory beer to celebrate the end of Movember, you saw that many fellow patrons had not picked up a razor.

You hoped that in January they would rid themselves of their upper lip (and sometimes, in horrible examples, lower lip fuzz) but no, they were still there, in all their patchy glory.

I am not against facial hair. It can make a man look distinguished and give him a look of old world class. What would Frank Zappa, Snidely Whiplash, Lemmy, John Waters, or Groucho Marx be with out their nose-nieghbours? What would have Salvador Dalí done without his waxy little artpiece? Would Fu Manchu be remembered if it weren’t for his catfish face? Hitler had a nifty little number, although he managed to make that particular style go crashing out of fashion.

I wouldn’t be so disgusted with the common mans facial hair if they used styling product. There’s a whole world of waxes out there to keep it looking stunning so why is all we see on the streets are ‘baby's first pornstache’ and out-of-control 12 o'clock shadows?

Who wouldn’t want to grow a hairy pet on their upper lip that requires a snood to keep it in place at night-time so it didn’t elope with your hamster when you had you eyes closed?

If you want to prove you have generous ball sacks, gentleman PLEASE attempt more than a Flavour-Saver and some embarrassing fuzz. The size of your 'stache proves the potency of your swimmers. So gentlemen, go for the handlebar! How else are women to know you're virile?

Don’t be half arsed - grow a full ‘tache that proves you’ve finished with puberty!

And the good news is, if you’re an un-cultured bore, all you have to do is fondle the ends of your hairybeast and everyone will think you’re pondering the great mysteries of human existence instead of trying to remember if the pizza shop on the corner is open at 3am.


For more information go to http://ministryofmoustaches.0catch.com or http://www.worldbeardchampionships.com

[photo of Michael 'Atters' Attree]

Film Review - There Will Be Blood

In the first scenes of Paul Thomas Anderson’s There Will Be Blood a solo prospector laboriously chipping away while the score buzzes in your ears almost like the landscape might if you were there. When the prospector falls down the mine shaft breaking his leg, it’s almost a testament to his desire for fortune when he hauls himself slowly back up to the world.

Later, we see the prospector Daniel Plainview (Daniel Day-Lewis), a smooth talking, self proclaimed ‘oil man’, has worked his way to success, toting his young son around and canvassing himself as a family man, as he tenders for mining leases in small townships until one day, after a tip off, he sets his sites on Little Boston.

Plainview is a misanthropist: “There are times when I look at people and I see nothing worth liking” he says, and when he meets Eli Sunday (Paul Dano), he makes no exception. Plainview wants no one to succeed, and when Sunday mirrors Plainview’s opportunistic behaviour, things escalate.

Margaret Pomerance coined this as a film about American greed, but in my opinion, There Will Be Blood is more about a struggle for power, a struggle to be above other men.
This film is up for 8 Oscar Nominations, including best actor for Day-Lewis. The character of Daniel Plainview is so wonderfully complex and well portrayed; the dynamics between director and actor are almost too good to be true.

There Will Be Blood opened 9th February and is playing at all good cinemas in Melbourne.

Related links: IMDB Entry for There Will Be Blood

Ffarff's Guide to Modern Couture for Men

There's a new world sensation. No, it's not a mock designer paint splattered shirt, no, it's not pink polo tops with a white tie, and no, it's not tucking your shirt into your pants.

It's the gun holster.

They aren't just for cops any more they are for fashion police as well. The line has been drawn, either you are a bad-ass or you're a bad-ass possibly concealing a gun. It brings a whole new meaning to "is that a gun in your holster or are you just pleased to see me?"

Another fashion must is a man purse, other wise known as a murse. They aren't just for old ladies any more… Sexier than a backpack, but not as stiff as a briefcase, the murse is essential for the man on the go.

The holster and murse combo completely wipes out any need for unattractive bum bags or those messenger bags made of shitty acrylic (with the mobile phone compartment! The style never stops!).

It's all in the leather, and it's got to be black. Don't just stop with a belt, who can resist a black leather strap? Accompany your holster and murse with a wrist strap -- it screams 'I can't leave my sexcapades at home'. Girls go crazy for it.

Murses are excellent carry-alls, suitable for anything from your fifth bottle of gin to your battered copy of FHM. However, it might be too bulky for everyday wear. This is where the holster comes in.

The holster is compact, but good for multitasking. If you're going out light you can slip your mobile in there, a small tube of lubricant and a condom and you're set for wild casual sex in the alley. It's a call and response team in itself .

Or for the casual day out, put your money clip, keys and mobile in. Once you're armed with a holster, no-one is ever going to steal anything from you again. And who's going to question a man that looks like an undercover cop? Didn't get your ticket for the tram? Sorted.

You want to mean business with the holster so a t-shirt will not cut it. It best to wear the holster over a dry-clean only shirt and a silk tie. If you wear the murse with this there is no need for a tie bar as the murse straps the tie in. You don't want your tie flailing about upsetting your controlled look.

It's all about the control: secretly women like a man who'll take control. And nothing says control like a man who looks like he's packing a gun.

Film Review - Joy Division

We Built This City On Rock'n'Roll

According to Grant Gee’s documentary Joy Division, in 1976, Manchester was an industrial city in ruin, desperately in need of being rebuilt by a punk rock movement, a movement which was created on the 4th of June when Bernard Sumner and Peter Hook separately attended the infamous Sex Pistols show at Manchester Lesser Trade Hall.

In this chronological re-telling of the history of the late 70s rock band, Joy Division rose from the broken and shattered remains of Manchester and ‘rebuilt’ the city with their bare hands with the release of their critically acclaimed debut Unknown Pleasures.

While this depiction is romantic, and their music had the British media performing cartwheels, months after their debut they still played to a "void in front of the stage" as band member Stephen Morris recalls. The layering between shots of Manchester in ruins and present day locations of former venues (titled in sequence as 'Things That Are Not There') suggest a desolate wasteland remaining without hope since the suicide of Ian Curtis in 1980.

The film is abundant with appearances from Joy Division’s remaining band members, and many others who were associated with the rise of the band (including the late Tony Wilson) however the re-counts seem too polished, almost scripted even.

While a great education for those with little exposure to the band, avid fans will gain little more than reaffirmation of facts that have been well documented in the past and while the film features rare archive footage and recordings from Joy Division’s short career, much of it is poor quality. Little mention is made of the hub of music surrounding Joy Division during that period, nor their impact of musicians around them.

Compared with Anton Corbijn’s recent biopic Control, Joy Division is less visually appealing and fails to pull the heart-strings, instead aiming to stick to the facts and remove the mystery behind the myth.

But in truth, as former band members re-tell the days leading up to the sudden end of Joy Division, you get the lasting impression that none of these men really, ever knew what was going on in the world and mind of Ian Curtis, nor do they know now.

Welcome to Milkcrate

Frequently Asked Questions

What is Milkcrate?

Milkcrate is an online magazine that was conjured up in an Abbotsford pub in late 2005 when three friends decided to make a faux-lifestyle magazine after reading a very exciting feature aimed at 'those who love beer and keyrings'.

The original concept has since dated, and in its new form Milkcrate is here to offer the good people of the information super-highway some information. It might not be useful information, but we strive to be entertaining at least.

Who are Milkcrate's contributors?
Milkcrate currently has five contributors who hail from the good city of Melbourne and one from the almost-as-good city Brisbane. You can read more about them in their profiles.

Nikki Maloo
Ffarff
Soira Flattley
Jake Wilson
Rohan
Jeremy

Can I comment on articles posted on Milkcrate?
Of course you can! Feel free to join in and comment on any of the posts -- we want to make this magazine an interactive community! Just keep in mind that Milkcrate is not a place for snide remarks or abuse and this behaviour will not be tolerated. Keep it nice.

Will you plug my gig / art show / movie screening / website on Milkcrate?
We might! What's in it for us?

Are the writers of Milkcrate available for freelance work?
They certainly are! Milkcrate's contributors are a collective of writers, illustrators and entrepreneurs just dying to get their mitts on your dollars! Just contact the writer of your choice through their profile to discuss.

How do I contact Milkcrate?
Milkcrate has its very own email address! Click this magic button to email us!

What about a phone number?
No! Phones are horrible things! We do not support telecoms of this nature.

Anything else?
No! Just enjoy!