There's just so much that is deliciously wrong about this picture... I just don't know where to start... That won't stop me, though!
Is Chloe surprised? Is Olivia surprised? They sure both look surprised. Methinks they share a (ultra cheap) surgeon (with a nasty sense of humour).
I recently heard a hilarious rumour of the LA variety... apparently... Um... Ohh... Well... I can't say it....We'll get sued... But... (on a completely unrelated note) if it turned out that your famous mum and barely famous dad were both friends of a woman called Dorothy and only got married / had a child to quash Hollywood gossip about what they did (or didn't ) get up to regularly, surely that would be enough to send you a bit crazy / off your food / to a surgeon.
I remember years ago sitting in a beer garden somewhere with fellow Milkcrate writer, Soira, telling her about my love of Parker Posey.
The night before I'd had a dream about her singing "God Loves A Terrier" from Best In Show to me [which she didnt sing in the film, which is a shame]. I believe this was because before I went to bed I was listening to Ryan Adams album Rock'N'Roll where she lends her somewhat surprising backing vocals to and wrote a song together.
Anyway, I spend a great many drunken hours preaching about the wonders of Parker Posey - or PeePee as I like to call her, that night.
She had just broken up with Ryan Adams, and I was a little heartbroken. I missed reading interviews where she's mentioned nosing around and sometimes taking part on the interview. I missed reading blogs reporting that the writer had just spotting them in a comic shop/video shop /walking down the street off their chops at any time of the day/night. They were my ideal couple - both a bit spazz and so very wonderful.
It pained me to see photos of Ryan wearing a Batman shirt while she was off filming Superman Returns. I wanted them to sort out their strange way of bickering and just get back together so my favourite nutbag actress and my favourite nutbag musician can be in nutbag-love again.
She's one of those actresses that is amazing and hilarious and steals every scene she's in [and knows how to play the mandolin!] and I believe she's very underused.
If she had got both of those roles, I probably would be a fan of both. Friends would have been unmissable instead of being unbearable. Imagine Rupert Everett and PeePee in the same film together!
As you can see from that list, there's something in the water in Baltimore. It makes you unconventional and a little strange.
PeePee started out on television in a daytime soap opera. I cant quite imagine her being in a soap opera unless its a scene in a Christopher Guest mockumentary (if you havenit seen For Your Consideration or Best In Show, you MUST).
I was so happy to hear that she's going to be in John Waters new film, Fruitcake. Its a match made in [Baltimore] heaven!
I haven't seen You've Got Mail that stars the two most obnoxious people in the world bar Julia Roberts, but apparently PeePee's in that. I bet she's amazing. And she almost saved Superman Returns from being the big pile of steaming torturingly bad dogshit that we know it as. Even Kevin "I'm in the closet and I'm never ever, ever, coming out!" Spacey couldn't save that wreck. I went and saw that in the cinema just because she was in it. See, that's how much I love Pee Pee.
[Dear PeePee, get back with Ryan, for the sake of the children! ie. me!]
Note added by NikkiMaloo: The ever-charming Parker Posey also plays the title character in Fay Grim, which opens at independent cinemas around Melbourne tomorrow. This almost-parody film about espionage sees PeePee jetted to France in order to recover some books written by her former husband in the director's last film Henry Fool, which, instead of being the boring jibberish they were initially deemed as, turn out to be code containing U.S. political secrets and are being hunted globally by the Russian AND Arabic governments. Sounds like a lot of twoddle doesn't it? Well it is, but Parker Posey shines through.
If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
To end this argument once and for all, I headed into the woods.
There were three things I would need.
1 - A video camera with a working microphone.
2 - A tree that would fall within my limited window for this experiment.
3 - A second tree to be used as a control subject.
After several hours of searching, I finally found a suitable tree for the experiment. It was a great distance from the local population and through a series of tests determined that no one would accidentally hear the tree fall and thus ruin the experiment. All the leaves had long since fallen and It had significant rotting around the base, It was only a matter of a few days until this giant would fall.
I set up my video camera with a motion activated sensor. If the tree moved more than a few inches, it would be recorded.
I left my subject to it's own schedule and went on to find my control subject.
In order to prove that a sound is made by a tree that isn't heard, first I would need to show that a tree with an audience makes a sound.
After another short search I found my perfect control subject. It looked much like the subject of my experiment minus the rot around the base. I grabbed my axe and went to work chopping at the tree.
It took several hours of 'experimenting' with my axe in hand, when I finally came to the conclusion that a tree with an audience does, in fact, make several sounds.
First, it makes a deep rumbling groan. This is followed closely by the sound of the tree cutting through the air as it falls toward the earth. Soon afterwards comes the crushing sounds of the tree landing on somebody's rooftop and crashing through into their living room.
This is followed close behind by a lot of shouting and finally sirens approaching from the distance as I decided that it was time to check back with my experiment...
Fast.
As I approached my experiment I was happy to find that the tree had already made it's final descent and landed on the ground, knocking over another couple of trees in the process. My results should be very conclusive.
Unfortunately, as I arrived at the site of my experiment I found that my camera had been stolen.
I searched the site for any evidence of who had stolen my camera but found only leaves. There was only one conclusion I could have come to. I believe this theft to be part of a vast conspiracy by the trees, in an attempt to keep quiet the sounds of the unwitnessed forest.
They will not succeed in keeping me quiet for long.
Until next time, I'll be working on the sound of one hand clapping...
If you enjoy TV shows like the Young Ones, Blackadder, Red Dwarf and Dr Who, or books by Douglas Adams, Terry Pratchett, Tom Holt or Jasper Fforde, then the bestselling Hal Spacejock series is for you.
If you haven't read any of Simon Haynes' brilliant series yet then you can try it out for free in Ebook format. Download Hal Spacejock 1 Here
Be warned though, once you read one you'll want to read them all.
The lockout is a three-month trial of 2am late entry bans for pubs, bars and nightclubs.
During the trial, licensees in the inner city council areas of Port Phillip, Stonnington, Melbourne including Docklands and Yarra councils cannot allow patrons to enter their venues from 2am to 7am. Patrons who are already in a venue can remain until closing time but cannot leave and re-enter the premises.
The size and reach of the lockout - major suburbs affected
Figures in brackets indicate count of pubs/bars/nightclubs in that suburb.
Included are suburbs with 10+ venues. Click on suburb to list venues. Figures taken from MelbournePubs.com 05/05/08.
Some of the arguments raised
Webmasters & blog owners, please contact us with a digest of issues raised so that we can include them in this section.
For
Restores the balance between Melbourne's vibrant nightlife and the increase in alcohol-related violence, anti-social behaviour and alcohol related health problems.
Stops pub crawls that lead to violence.
Reduces the amount of people 'venue hopping' late at night often after they have been kicked out of another venue.
The majority of alcohol related violence occurs on the streets as people move from venue to venue not in the actual venues themselves.
Late entry bans control the movement of people and allow police to target key times around 2am. This gives police a greater ability to manage people not in a venue late at night.
The lock-out will last for five hours, giving police time to clear the streets and for drunks to sober up.
Against
Note: Venues generally close at either 1am, 3am or 5/6/7am (it is unusual for a venue to close at 2am)
The majority of law-abiding people punished by the actions of a small minority.
Loss of freedom of choice.
Reduction in civil liberties.
Having to choose one venue for the rest of your night.
Spoils what makes Melbourne a wonderful city.
Death of the entertainment scene and vibe in Melbourne.
Hospitality staff unable to go out after work.
Shift-workers unable to go out after work.
Bands & DJs unable to travel to late gigs.
Not being able to meet friends at other venues.
Venues closing after 3am selectively choosing which patrons to let inside.
Venues closing after 3am raising cover charges.
1am-2am spillover period with the streets full of people.
Queues outside venues that stay open after 3am forming before 2am.
Still standing in a queue when the clock hits 2am leads to a large group being stranded on the street.
Having such a large group of people roaming the streets will only add more problems for an already stretched police force.
Queues and tension hailing taxis at 2am for those left stranded, thus now unable to continue their night.
Queues and tension hailing taxis at 3am for those leaving 3am-closing venues, thus now unable to continue their night.
Small-capacity late-opening venues unable to replace ejected patrons, leading to a sparser crowd.
Small-capacity late-opening venues unable to replace patrons going home, leading to a sparser crowd.
Increased operational costs for venues, which will be passed on to the patron.
Loss of revenue and business for venues.
Door staff (cashiers, greeters etc) having their hours of work cut back at least 10 hours per week.
Loss of hospitality jobs.
1am happy hours at post-3am venues to lure patrons away from other, earlier-closing venues.
Vehicle travel to non-curfewed entertainment areas - increased risk of drink-drivers & road accidents.
Thousands of revellers descending on e.g. Moonee Ponds after 2am.
Devaluation in city apartment prices.
Encourages illegal after-hours bars to operate.
No readily-accessible statistics made available to the public on violence levels.
Other comments
Overwhelmingly these issues of late night violence, anti-social behaviour, are related to late night clubs and nightclubs. Pubs are concerned that they might be unreasonably targeted in some situations.
England removed their 11pm closing times in 2005 to stop violence.
Bendigo 2am curfew is financially hurting venues that must close by 3:00am.
Its the time of the year where people congregate in pubs and lounge rooms around the world [mostly Europe but other pockets celebrate it too] and discuss the highs and lows of this years Eurovision. Each year the winning song is met with howls of protest and a song that didn't make it through the finals is cheered.
Its the time of year when your learn who your real friends are [the ones who love Eurovision] and make new friends as people you felt you have nothing in common with confess their dirty little Eurovision-love secret.
This year was the 53rd competition and it definitely hasn't run out of steam.
For english speaking viewers, BBC radio and television broadcaster Terry Wogan's commentary makes it more entertaining as he makes scathing but honest comments about costumes, hosts, and songs . Hell, he comments discouraging about everything! Bjorn Erichsen, director of Eurovision television, criticised Sir Terry Wogan stating "Wogan is a problem because he makes it ridiculous". I'm pretty sure Milkcrate readers will agree Eurovision contestants do do that by themselves with no help from Wogan!
Here in Australia people love it for the bizarre, but in Europe its a very serious contest. Each country whether or not they make it to the finals, get to vote up to 12 points to their favourites [their favourites usually being their neighbouring countries and the occasional 'Please dont attack and take over our country' vote.] So it comes as little surprise Russia usually makes it into the top 3 songs each year.
Each year it becomes more political due to this voting trend, and you can spot which country will vote for who from a mile away. Like block voting between the eastern, Balkan, Baltic and Nordic countries.
The United Kingdom rarely present a song worthy of winning [though Scooch's queerer than queer Air Hostess last year was pretty fantastic] but they will always be in the final, along with Germany, Spain and France as they finance the whole thing.
Being a non-European I don't understand how exactly it could be taken seriously. It's always full of drag queens, amazing stripping costume changes and very bizarre novelty songs.
I personally love the semi-finals. This is where the cracktastic gems are found. Deemed to be too ridiculous to be a contender for the winning song but are loved around the world as an underdog.
This year's semi-finals favourite was Ireland's "Irelande Douze Pointe" by Dustin The Turkey. Dustin, a hand puppet, mangles his way through a barely audible rant pleading for 12 points. One UK newspaper reported: "Strait-laced bosses at the European Broadcasting Union are checking the rules to see if Dustin can be BARRED. One highly placed source said: “A puppet on Eurovision would make a mockery of all that the contest stands for.”
Really? It certainly summed up Eurovision for me.
Milkcrate's picks were Spain's Baila el Chiki Chiki, (see right) with their Spanish middle-aged Elvis, Bosnia and Herzegovina's Pokušaj with their elderly brides and a washing line and Crotia's Romanca consisting of two elderly dementia-suffering rappers.
There was one song that was outstanding. Outstanding due to it being semi-serious yet amazing and looking like something that would be on the music channels in the english speaking world - Sebastien Tellier [and his golf cart and bearded ladies] with Divine
The song that did win was Dima Bilan with their song 'Believe'from Russia [surprise surprise!] . It had what seem to be the staple elements of a good Eurovision song - singer dressed in white, painful sincerity, a candle and at least one person rolling around on the floor [although it was missing a wind machine or some stripping]. It also had a violin player as well as an ice skater - that looked like Peter Tork from The Monkees - for no reason what so ever other than to take you're attention away from how boring the song was. Keep a look out for the terrifying Bob Downe-esque twist and smile at the camera from the skater.
The song that came third and SHOULD have won was a song called 'Secret Combination' by Kalomira from Greece. This presentation had a controversial shock in that the singer did not at all strip but but more clothes on!
It had the catchy chorus of:
My secret combination It 's a mystery for you Use your imagination I'm not easy but I'm true
and ended with the dazzling lyrics of:
An open book An open book Well I'm sorry I am not Sometimes I'm acting like a lady Sometimes woman, sometimes baby
So that's Eurovision over for another year. I cant wait for 2009's strangeness hosted in Russia.
Grab your towels by the hem hitchhikers! Today is May 25th, otherwise known as Towel Day, A day to pay tribute to that hoopiest frood Douglas Adams by taking your towel with you all day long. An annual tradition that began two weeks after the great author's death in 2001.
From The Hitchhiker's Guide:-
A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitch hiker can have. Partly it has great practical value - you can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a mini raft down the slow heavy river Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or to avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (a mindboggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you - daft as a bush, but very, very ravenous); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
More importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For some reason, if a strag (strag: non-hitch hiker) discovers that a hitch hiker has his towel with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a toothbrush, face flannel, soap, tin of biscuits, flask, compass, map, ball of string, gnat spray, wet weather gear, space suit etc., etc. Furthermore, the strag will then happily lend the hitch hiker any of these or a dozen other items that the hitch hiker might accidentally have "lost". What the strag will think is that any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through, and still knows where his towel is is clearly a man to be reckoned with.
I'm sorry. This isn't a practical joke. This film is in production as we speak.
Donnie Darko's writer/director Richard Kelly has stated on his blog at MySpace "I haven't read this script. I have absolutely no involvement with this production, nor will I ever be involved.
I have no control over the rights from our original film, and neither I nor my producing partner Sean McKittrick stand to make any money from this film."
"The story picks up seven years after the first film (and Donnie's death) when little sister Samantha Darko and her best friend Corey are now 18 and on a roadtrip to Los Angeles when they are plagued by bizarre visions. [...]
Simon Crowe of Velvet Octopus added: "I think there is a new generation of cinema-goers who will be very excited to see this film." [...]
Crowe quipped to ScreenDaily: "Donnie's not in [the new film] but there are meteorites and rabbits."
As it was dollar Tuesday at the local video rental place and a day off work for me, I was at the video shop early. My only problem: Trying to find something that's not crap. I find it terribly hard to find movies that aren't entirely predictable. I mostly hope to get a few surprises along the way before reaching an obvious ending.
I grabbed a few dvds off the shelf that I hadn't heard too much about. One was Gabriel, a thoroughly disappointing film about archangels fighting for control of purgatory. It seemed like it could've been something special but it wasn't. Maybe some more research and a few more script drafts first.
The second was Tin Man, a mini-series "based" on The Wizard of Oz. There wasn't a great deal to it but it was a bit of fun. Unfortunately the video shop clerk forgot the second dvd. I'll have to watch the final part tomorrow, after bruising some skulls.
"I think I heard something about this a while back," I thought to myself. "Doesn't Buffy play a porn star?"
And so, without closer inspection of the cover of the dvd, I paid my three dollars and took my pile of plastic home for an afternoon of entertainment.
Later that night, after being thoroughly pissed that I couldn't watch the end of Tin Man, I grumpily threw the Southland Tales dvd into the machine.
Four seconds into the movie I got my first surprise.
I paused. "Did someone say my favourite phrase - The end of the world?"
I immediately perked up. I have a penchant for end of the world stories.
Then came the cast. A number of familiar faces popped up all through the movie. One in particular was Christopher Lambert. I had only yesterday been thinking about an old movie of his called Nirvana and wondered to myself whether he'd made anything recently. Well, I got my answer.
Then, around the time that Jon Lovitz arrived on screen and did his dirty deed, I knew I loved this movie. I watched as the strings that would soon intertwine each revealed themselves.
I wondered, "Who came up with this hilarious and brilliant piece of work?"
I found out on the imdb that it was Richard Kelly. Writer of another favourite of mine - Donnie Darko, another movie I had picked up knowing nothing about, except that it starred "that guy from Bubble Boy".
I watched on and began to notice several similarities between Donnie Darko and Southland Tales. For instance, they both feature a character with a bullet wound to the eye.
Also, much like Donnie Darko, when the credits rolled I sat fixated on the screen.
