Blog of the Week

Yep! It's much anticipated return is now upon us!

This one is an oldy be a goody. We here at Milkcrate HQ fully advocate the writing of clever notes in place of open, honest communication. Just the other day I was thrilled when I found a set of missing chopsticks under Jake's desk while he was out. Gleefully, I scribbled a little post-it note and left it on his laptop - "Jake, why are my chopsticks under your desk?!". Ahhh. The sastifaction was almost too much!

We're also particularly fond of the passive aggressive Facebook status updates, like 'kant we all just chill wtf', 'awkward' and this.

So for those into clever notes and passive aggressiveness, get yourself over to www.passiveaggressivenotes.com and enjoy.

Happy Towel Day Everyone!

Don't Panic

You haven't missed it.

Grab your towels by the hem hitchhikers! Today is May 25th, otherwise known as Towel Day, A day to pay tribute to that hoopiest frood Douglas Adams by taking your towel with you all day long. An annual tradition that began two weeks after the great author's death in 2001.

From The Hitchhiker's Guide:-

A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitch hiker can have. Partly it has great practical value - you can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a mini raft down the slow heavy river Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or to avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (a mindboggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you - daft as a bush, but very, very ravenous); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.

More importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For some reason, if a strag (strag: non-hitch hiker) discovers that a hitch hiker has his towel with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a toothbrush, face flannel, soap, tin of biscuits, flask, compass, map, ball of string, gnat spray, wet weather gear, space suit etc., etc. Furthermore, the strag will then happily lend the hitch hiker any of these or a dozen other items that the hitch hiker might accidentally have "lost". What the strag will think is that any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through, and still knows where his towel is is clearly a man to be reckoned with.

So don't be a strag, take your towel with you and have a pan galactic gargle blaster.

So Long Douglas, and Thanks for All the Fish!

Current Fashions for the Fugly

Dear Average Suburban Male,

Please do not wear white sunglasses. They make you look like a tool. They looked crap in the 80s and they still look crap, especially now you're a lot fatter from too much KFC and you shave your head so people won't suspect the truth: you've gone bald.

And please, please, PLEASE if you do choose to wear them, don't wear it with one of these (see picture below).



















Thanks in advance,
Milkcrate Magazine

Brushes with Fame: How to Cope With Fallen Rock Musicians

I am linked into a government-assisted health organisation for people unable to deal with the real world just yet.

So what do you do when the person that’s helping you turned out to be someone you recognise? When it’s someone you saw on the TV as a kid, when you have one of their albums and would have gone to their gigs if you were in the same city at the time?

I ignored the fact.

A few times I thought, This guy’s fallen so badly he’s now having to deal with me instead of Dylan Lewis. At times I thought about telling him that I knew who he was.

For a guy in a Melbourne band that was popular in the '90s (who isn’t Tim Rogers), he probably may not get that many people who recognise him. It might have been exciting for him.

But I thought, No, this is all about me. For the duration time we are working together I'm going to play dumb. In the future, at some time, I'm going to be famous so he should be happy he’s working with me! He’s the past, I'm the future. And besides, he isn’t Tim Rogers!

So for a year we both played dumb. We spent a lot of time discussing music and I gave him hints I knew who he was by naming nearly every band around the time they were popular. I even stated that each of those bands, and particular band members from each, were my personal heroes for a little time.

He pretended not to know these people personally; he even feigned ignorance of some of them.

I'm wondering if that year of music talk was a bit soul-crushing for him. I wondered if he cried into his pillow, He knows everyone else, why doesn’t he know mmmmeeeeeeeeeee?! Weren’t we good enough?!”

Then he announced he was leaving for greener pastures.

We had one meeting left. I thought I’d confess then. I couldn’t let the opportunity pass.

In a café in Richmond, we sat down for the goodbye talk.

I handed over a CD of theirs that was signed by the band.

He took one look at it and laughed then got excited. I surprised him with my knowledge of his band.

When I lived in the country with my folks I spent a hell of a lot of time memorising facts and trivia about Australian bands in the '90s. So I think I frightened him with my memory and knowledge. Especially since I have trouble remembering yesterday!

So now that we both were honest about who and what we were, we got down to gossip.

Did you know that Molly Meldrum is available to be in a film clip if you give him a bottle of vodka? I didn’t either - but it makes sense!

Did you know that scumbags from radio stations hock off the media copies of albums they get before the album's officially released? What a bunch of arseholes!

Did you know that Ross McLennan is awesome? I did!

I've resisted adding him on Myspace since I met him, because that would have giving it all away.

I resisted going to a gig of his at my local pub. One time I saw him at a gig I was at.

I'm not clear of the protocol of what to do when seeing someone you work with, be they a doctor, shrink, teacher or case worker, and you're drunk off your skull.

I hid.

I think I did the right thing: I didn’t want to explain why I was dancing to Love Is A Battlefield in the middle of the dance floor at our next appointment.

So kids, be careful. Musicians need a day job to support their recording habits and they could pop up anywhere so you’re forced to pretend not to know who the fuck they are/were for the good of the situation.

It might bruise their ego a bit but it's going to help the professionalism. It will give both parties dignity. You don’t want to remind them of how much of a fanboy you are. You don’t want them to ask you if you remember a song of theirs. You don’t want to see the desperation in their eyes that screams “make me feel famous again!”

If you ever find Tim Rogers hanging over your office cubicle asking for some paperwork, don’t bring up his love of ripping off Rolling Stones songs or remind him of that night he was in the Tote snogging young men. He might attack you like he did Mark Holden or act like at the 2004 Falls Festival.

Info about 'The man who isn't Tim Rogers' is here. He has a swanky album out.

Cheap Thrills and Spills for the Kiddies

Nikki Maloo’s Guide to Educational Entertainment

One to many busy days this week, and before you know it there's a long weekend and a couple of small people nagging to go to the zoo or, even worse, blocking your view of the TV while you're trying to rewatch Season 2 of Desperate Housewives. Nevermind! Milkcrate is here to solve your dilemmas with a few handy suggestions on the cheap ways to keep the kids busy this Easter break.

• Why not pull out the old record player and play some records backwards? As your kids decipher the satanic lyrics they’ll improve their listening skills and learn about one of the world’s less conventional faiths at the same time!

• Get creative! Let the kids invent a fictional character – a missing pet or sibling perhaps. They can post ‘missing’ signs around the area; that way the whole neighbourhood can join in the fun!

• Dads. In the olden days hunting was a fantastic way to bond with your child, boosted by the excitement that there might be a nasty accident or even a fatality! These days suburbia doesn’t offer the elk and fox hunting of yore, but there are still a wonderful selection of neighbourhood cats and native birds to shoot at! Can’t afford a gun? Share the experience some more by constructing a sling-shot together!

• Home Theatre. Instead of sitting in front of the plasma, why not get the kids to write and perform their own play based on modern history. Stuck for ideas? How about a musical set in Villawood Detention Centre, or September 11^th: Osama Bin Laden can easily be recreated with an old white sheet and some shoe polish!

Milkcrate Advice

"Dear Milkcrate,

My son is a professional stripper and has offered to perform at my best friend's hens night. Everything thinks it will be a hoot, and while I try to support him in his chosen career, I don't feel this is a good idea. What should I do?

From Partypooper"


Dear Partypooper,

My advice to you is to approach the event as a bonding exercise. As children grow into adulthood, it's important to find activities that the family can enjoy together in a more mature setting.

That way, parents and their adult children can learn to relate as equals, while still sharing a respectful and supportive relationship. Naturally, part of this process is to show an appreciation of your child's chosen vocation.

Your smiling face in the crowd of writhing, clapping, erotically charged middle aged women will mean the world to your precious baby boy - as well as give him the chance to say to you and the world, 'Hey mamma! I'm a man now!'.

And what better way to say 'I'm proud of you, son!' than by allowing him to blindfold you before removing his sequined g-string with your teeth?

So come on, Partypooper - Put in your dentures, it's time to get happy!

- Milkcrate