Double Wrongtown

Here at Milkcrate we're against camel toes. We haven't had a meeting about how we feel about Lady Gaga yet, but I'm pretty sure everyone feels the same way about her as I do.

Here she is in Sydney wearing a CARAZY! outfit. What a shy, but oh-so-individual, petal she is.

Terrible TV

This morning at the gym in Santa Monica (Oh – I’m so LA), I had the utter misfortune of having to catch the only thing worse than Australian and British mid morning television. That’s right. American mid morning television. Mysoginist. Vapid. Downright creepy. It goes by the name of Regis and Kelly. I’m still not sure which is Regis and which is Kelly, but I don’t think it matters much.

First, this ancient geezer comes on, holding the hand of his cohost (toothpaste ad smile, blonde, tanned, young enough to be his granddaughter). He leers at her, and tells her half a dozen times how gorgeous she is. He checks her breasts out at least twice in the first five minutes of the show. I felt like shouting at the screen : “Yep. They’re still there!”. During the course of their opening banter it becomes apparent that this poor lass is like an inarticulate-airheaded-deer-in-high-def-camera-headlights. I’m not sure what I found worse. The fact she kept likening things to “being at school” “coming back to school” “It’s like the school bully” (Get this woman a therapist!). Or the heavy handed manner her male co host moved the conversation to unrelated subject matter, abruptly cutting her off with no segue. He then proceeds to read odd news items from a white paper (auto cue, anyone?) while she giggles and smiles at inappropriate moments. I am transfixed. It’s like watching a live Amy Winehouse performance. Benjamin Bratt comes on to talk about his new show where he plays an ex heroin addict (at this point, Blondie gasps : “Oh my!”) who has turned his life around and is now in servitude to the Lord (!). Sounds rivetting. Pity, I don't own a television, here. Sigh. Then there’s a go go dancer. No. Really. A go go dancer. From Jersey. Go go dancing in aid of a “spin the wheel” style competition. “I like the way they make them Jersey girls!”, the geezer gaffaws. Turns out the Jersey girl is Security Guard by day. “She can secure me anytime she wants…”. Blondie laughs along. The phone-in caller who wishes to spin the wheel has recently moved states. Blondie looks genuinely shocked. “Don’t you miss the corn… and the blueberries?”

Possibly the only thing worse than mid morning presenters is the mid morning weather people. I don’t catch much TV news, but I have noticed a startling trend. If there’s a hurricane, a freak storm, a flood, whatever, it is the humiliating task of the weather person to stand amongst the (arguably dangerous) weather and attempt (usually with very limited success) to give a live report of the conditions.
It reminds me somewhat of this:


If you want to see Geezer being a right old perve and Blondie chattering away inanely, go here.

From the International Commitee of Surprises

If you need it, here's more proof that David Duchovny is a bit of a tool.

Greetings from the Slack-Asses at Milkcrate

Firstly, I would like to welcome you all to the new financial year! Isn't it exciting!? Why don't we get a Financial New Year's Eve? Is partying like it's 1999 really to be restricted to once a year? Bar humbug (or similar).

Anyway now for some news in which Ryan Adams apparently stole a milliondy bucks from Courtney Love's spawn Frances Bean Cobain to make his 2003 albulm Rock'n'Roll. Apparently because Courtney has 29 credit cards, it took her a few years to notice .. hmmm. Ryan, why aren't you blogging anymore? We want to hear your side. And a song about it.

Surprise!

There's just so much that is deliciously wrong about this picture... I just don't know where to start... That won't stop me, though!

Is Chloe surprised? Is Olivia surprised? They sure both look surprised. Methinks they share a (ultra cheap) surgeon (with a nasty sense of humour).



I recently heard a hilarious rumour of the LA variety... apparently... Um... Ohh... Well... I can't say it....We'll get sued... But... (on a completely unrelated note) if it turned out that your famous mum and barely famous dad were both friends of a woman called Dorothy and only got married / had a child to quash Hollywood gossip about what they did (or didn't ) get up to regularly, surely that would be enough to send you a bit crazy / off your food / to a surgeon.

Starting Them Early On The Road To Skanksville

Why do people insist on squeezing every last drop of sexiness and sleaze out of pole dancing?

First skanks from the suburbs learnt how to wrap themselves around a pole for 'exercise' and now they are making an 'at home' game set up so the kids can get fit & learn some valuable skills in the art of slutiness too! Yes, there will be wii strip.

This sort of thing will encourage ordinary people to think they are sexy and co-ordinated.
Some people have Wii party nights where friends battle each other for top score. So maybe soon they can all watch and cheer their friends as they rub their butt crack up and down the wii-mote, take their clothes off and encourage money to be tucked into the knicker elastic.

Hopefully it comes with some anti bacteria wipes and some amnesia pills.

I also hear they are encouraging use of wii's in aged care centres to keep the seniors active.
So maybe soon Granny can work that replacement hip around a plastic pole and earn herself an extra 'cup of tea and biscuit' from Grandpa. And perhaps when everyone else is sitting looking out the window in boredom, she can take her dentures out for him in private.

I do hope it has a realistic points system. "You have earned $200 in tips, do you want to":
* take up offer of to double your points by giving a blow job to an ugly man who has food stains down the front of his shirt.
* Spend points on drugs to deal with your "job".

What's next for wii?
What are your suggestions, dear Milkcrate readers?

Current Fashions for the Fugly

Dear Average Suburban Male,

Please do not wear white sunglasses. They make you look like a tool. They looked crap in the 80s and they still look crap, especially now you're a lot fatter from too much KFC and you shave your head so people won't suspect the truth: you've gone bald.

And please, please, PLEASE if you do choose to wear them, don't wear it with one of these (see picture below).



















Thanks in advance,
Milkcrate Magazine

Tori F*%#ing Spelling

Tori Spelling refuses to stop cursing in front of her young children, because she uses expletives to express herself. The former Beverly Hills, 90210 star insists she doesn't need to curb her swearing in front of her one-year-old son Liam - because she uses bad language in an innocent manner. She says: "I'm kind of a little girl potty mouth because I say it with such vulnerability. I don't have to censor myself in front of my son, it's not that bad."

Im a little confused, Tori. How can it be innocent? Isn't that the point of a swearsie to be rude?
Do you cry when you swear? Is that being vulnerable?

Are you trying to be cute by saying "I'm kind of a little girl potty mouth" because we've all seen your face. You cant fool anyone.

Blog of the Week

While our international correspondent Rohan is away on business (Romy and Michelle style!), he's so dedicated to the readers of Milkcrate he's still managed to ensure we have a new Blog of the Week!

Cast your browsers upon this baby: The Fail Blog. Marvel at the various failures of drunkards, woman drivers and bad signage! If you get addicted, like us here at Milkcrate, you might even scroll back further enough to see a contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire struggle to determine whether and elephant is bigger than the moon!

Wot's Going On With The Stars?

Yep. Milkcrate is in on the pulse of celeb gossip. Don't get me wrong, we're no Perez Hilton, but we do like to keep track of what's going on with the stars. Aww, we're just like MX!!

I know Milkcrate's readers are constantly asking themselves 'How does Demi Moore keep her skin looking so youthful?!'. Well in true dedication to it's readers, Milkcrate brings you the answer -- it's leeches. Not just any leeches from a swamp though, these are highly trained medical leeches, cutting edge technology, according to Demi.

Apparently the leeches get 'super-drunk' on her blood, and it helps her 'detoxify'. Hot. Last I heard, once you remove blood it's gone, not 'freshened up'.

In other freaky face news, Priscilla Presley got a hit of uber-crap botox recently, when she became a 'victim' of Dr Daniel Serrano (AKA Dr Jiffy Lube), who apparently hustles poor innocent celebs out of their hard earned buck by infusing them with low grade silicon -- normally used to lubricate car parts!

According to Priscilla's site "Beauty and Priscilla Presley are almost synonymous". Almost. Not quite. I like to use the expression "Priscilla Presley is in the eye of the beholder".

Smells Like Converse

Shoe manufacturer Converse, have announced a line of sneakers to commemorate the late Kurt Cobain -- fans of the 90's grunger will now be able to rock their very own morbid piece of footwear with the re-release of the Converse One Star, the very shoe Cobain was reported to be wearing when he shot himself in 1994.

The new One Star will feature a print of Cobain's signature next to the Converse Star logo, and gracing the inside of the shoe the words "Punk rock means freedom". Does it? How retro!

The shoes have been approved by Courtney Love & the Cobain estate and further details will be released by Converse in April.

Scarlett Johansson

Breaking news this morning reports that a rabid Scarlett Johansson fan paid $40,100 for a date with the actress, where he will very likely be greeted with numerous security guards ready to pound the crap out of him should he so much as look in the lovely Scarlett's direction.

Scarlett, it seems, is a bit of a star, you see. I'm still not entirely sure why - her recent performance in The Other Boleyn Girl was flat and did nothing but prove Natalie Portman a far superior actress - but all the same she's getting a bit of attention. Woody Allen is even doing a bit of Scarlett-love now he's making shit movies.

Which brings me to Scarlett's upcoming project -- He's Just Not That Into You, based on the New York Time's bestseller of the same name. So, I know I digress, but really, I still get giddy at the idea someone can write a book that basically says 'Der, you're totally fug, he doesn't want you' and people will buy it! I love the USA.

Keira Knightley

In a Zoolander moment, Keira Knightley has come out with this gem:

"Australian Aborigines say that with every photograph that is taken, a piece of your soul goes with it."

"And there are some days when I kind of believe that."

Oh, the woes of being a film actress! It's a tough life for poor jaded Keira, with all these cameras stealing her soul. Lucky the Australian Aborigines were able to provide her with a tribal belief she could identify with! She's so deep.


Above: Keira Knightley SO hating having her photo taken.