Surprise!

There's just so much that is deliciously wrong about this picture... I just don't know where to start... That won't stop me, though!

Is Chloe surprised? Is Olivia surprised? They sure both look surprised. Methinks they share a (ultra cheap) surgeon (with a nasty sense of humour).



I recently heard a hilarious rumour of the LA variety... apparently... Um... Ohh... Well... I can't say it....We'll get sued... But... (on a completely unrelated note) if it turned out that your famous mum and barely famous dad were both friends of a woman called Dorothy and only got married / had a child to quash Hollywood gossip about what they did (or didn't ) get up to regularly, surely that would be enough to send you a bit crazy / off your food / to a surgeon.

Current Fashions for the Fugly

Dear Average Suburban Male,

Please do not wear white sunglasses. They make you look like a tool. They looked crap in the 80s and they still look crap, especially now you're a lot fatter from too much KFC and you shave your head so people won't suspect the truth: you've gone bald.

And please, please, PLEASE if you do choose to wear them, don't wear it with one of these (see picture below).



















Thanks in advance,
Milkcrate Magazine

Moustaches - Half Iago, Half Fu Manchu, All Bastard

A lot of you may have woken up on December the 1^st and sighed in relief that November was over and you wouldn’t have to see a swarm of moustaches when you walked down your local high street.

But when you went to your local pub for a celebratory beer to celebrate the end of Movember, you saw that many fellow patrons had not picked up a razor.

You hoped that in January they would rid themselves of their upper lip (and sometimes, in horrible examples, lower lip fuzz) but no, they were still there, in all their patchy glory.

I am not against facial hair. It can make a man look distinguished and give him a look of old world class. What would Frank Zappa, Snidely Whiplash, Lemmy, John Waters, or Groucho Marx be with out their nose-nieghbours? What would have Salvador Dalí done without his waxy little artpiece? Would Fu Manchu be remembered if it weren’t for his catfish face? Hitler had a nifty little number, although he managed to make that particular style go crashing out of fashion.

I wouldn’t be so disgusted with the common mans facial hair if they used styling product. There’s a whole world of waxes out there to keep it looking stunning so why is all we see on the streets are ‘baby's first pornstache’ and out-of-control 12 o'clock shadows?

Who wouldn’t want to grow a hairy pet on their upper lip that requires a snood to keep it in place at night-time so it didn’t elope with your hamster when you had you eyes closed?

If you want to prove you have generous ball sacks, gentleman PLEASE attempt more than a Flavour-Saver and some embarrassing fuzz. The size of your 'stache proves the potency of your swimmers. So gentlemen, go for the handlebar! How else are women to know you're virile?

Don’t be half arsed - grow a full ‘tache that proves you’ve finished with puberty!

And the good news is, if you’re an un-cultured bore, all you have to do is fondle the ends of your hairybeast and everyone will think you’re pondering the great mysteries of human existence instead of trying to remember if the pizza shop on the corner is open at 3am.


For more information go to http://ministryofmoustaches.0catch.com or http://www.worldbeardchampionships.com

[photo of Michael 'Atters' Attree]