Terrible TV

This morning at the gym in Santa Monica (Oh – I’m so LA), I had the utter misfortune of having to catch the only thing worse than Australian and British mid morning television. That’s right. American mid morning television. Mysoginist. Vapid. Downright creepy. It goes by the name of Regis and Kelly. I’m still not sure which is Regis and which is Kelly, but I don’t think it matters much.

First, this ancient geezer comes on, holding the hand of his cohost (toothpaste ad smile, blonde, tanned, young enough to be his granddaughter). He leers at her, and tells her half a dozen times how gorgeous she is. He checks her breasts out at least twice in the first five minutes of the show. I felt like shouting at the screen : “Yep. They’re still there!”. During the course of their opening banter it becomes apparent that this poor lass is like an inarticulate-airheaded-deer-in-high-def-camera-headlights. I’m not sure what I found worse. The fact she kept likening things to “being at school” “coming back to school” “It’s like the school bully” (Get this woman a therapist!). Or the heavy handed manner her male co host moved the conversation to unrelated subject matter, abruptly cutting her off with no segue. He then proceeds to read odd news items from a white paper (auto cue, anyone?) while she giggles and smiles at inappropriate moments. I am transfixed. It’s like watching a live Amy Winehouse performance. Benjamin Bratt comes on to talk about his new show where he plays an ex heroin addict (at this point, Blondie gasps : “Oh my!”) who has turned his life around and is now in servitude to the Lord (!). Sounds rivetting. Pity, I don't own a television, here. Sigh. Then there’s a go go dancer. No. Really. A go go dancer. From Jersey. Go go dancing in aid of a “spin the wheel” style competition. “I like the way they make them Jersey girls!”, the geezer gaffaws. Turns out the Jersey girl is Security Guard by day. “She can secure me anytime she wants…”. Blondie laughs along. The phone-in caller who wishes to spin the wheel has recently moved states. Blondie looks genuinely shocked. “Don’t you miss the corn… and the blueberries?”

Possibly the only thing worse than mid morning presenters is the mid morning weather people. I don’t catch much TV news, but I have noticed a startling trend. If there’s a hurricane, a freak storm, a flood, whatever, it is the humiliating task of the weather person to stand amongst the (arguably dangerous) weather and attempt (usually with very limited success) to give a live report of the conditions.
It reminds me somewhat of this:


If you want to see Geezer being a right old perve and Blondie chattering away inanely, go here.

Svetlana and Ivanka : Funny

Elizabeth Sandy, a dear friend and one of the leads in lesbo-noir-extravaganza (can you call your own film an "extravaganza"?) wrote and co stars in this hilarious short... Enjoy. It's 3:53 minutes of some fun, politically incorrect, low budget, high laughs, short filmmaking, shot on location here in LA LA land.
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/bbdd38257f
And of course, drop her a note, or give her a vote.

Nellie McKay : Crazy, but Fun.

It’s almost too easy these days to slip into a vintage gown, pop on some costume jewellery, talk excessively about your pets and call yourself an eccentric. (Hell, I know I’d wear more vintage frocks, if I had bosoms). Nellie Mckay is the real deal. She even plays the ukulele.

I was invited to go see a show at Largos (*does obnoxious LA accent* “Oh you know Largos, right? Like… Largos…. Oh my god… Largos, is like, y’know, like one of the hippest LA nightspots, like, totally…”) and whilst I baulked at the cover charge : I’m so not in a position to pay $20.00 US for someone I have barely heard of…. I’m SO SO glad I did.

Nellie is blessed with a remarkable voice that echoes Rosemary Clooney's light touch, channels Doris Day's optimism (somewhat ironically) and occasionally comes to the fore as a Courtney Love style “Whatthefuckisyourproblemfuckfeatures?” snarl. She has the most beautiful piano playing hands…. But wait…. It’s not because she has some eating disorder of the Hollywood variety, it’s because she plays exceptional and complex piano. Bless. She’s humble, fun, improvises, takes request and has a dry sardonic wit that translates well to the quiet piano bar type crowd.

She sings of the usual things which seem to occupy songs these days (love, hating Mr Bush), but also sets sanitoriums and suicide to a quirky upbeat piano (Ding Dong!), and has arguably the world’s best original song about zombies (Zombie).



Google her. Buy her music. Enjoy her music.