Terminator Salvation - The Musical

What's better than a Christian Bale film about killer cyborgs? Making up songs about Christian Bale films about killer cyborgs! Treat your eyes and ears to this fantastic number, bought to you by Milkcrate and Interested Pigeon Productions.

Katie Watch

Wonderful news has come to our attention here at Milkcrate. According to several sources on the Information Super Highway, Katie Holmes is "looking forward" to filming her "character driven" thriller set to start shooting in Melbourne next month.

The almost too ironically named blog TomKat Crazy tells us that Katie's usual entourage will be on toe - previous son-in-law to Australia Tom Cruise with poor little Suri Cruise, thus fixing the Australian economy even more.

I wonder if Posh and Becks will flock over for a bit of oranging in the Chapel Street sun? I see a new segment coming to Milkcrate - Victoria in Victoria anyone?

The Bish is Back

If you're interested in Irish philosophy or the civic politics of south-eastern Victoria (and we know you are!) then you can't afford to miss the latest updates to Bishop Berkeley's Backyard, featuring the all-new adventures of everyone's favorite cleric, poet and solipsist. Subjects considered in recent posts include the health benefits of tarwater, the military record of Wittgenstein, the value of stale rye biscuits and the burning need for anti-Leninist makeup. The man is blogging up a storm but he still needs readers, so what are you waiting for? Click on the link and comment, comment, comment! Those Rationalists won't refute themselves!

Welcome to Katie-Watch - So Much to Half-Smile About.

By now, those of us in Melbourne are thrilled to have learned Katie Holmes is set to shoot a thriller in ol' Melbourne Town.

A couple of weeks ago, we busted open our copy of The Age, to discover not only will Katie be gracing the Docklands with her oh-so-cute* half-smile, she'll also be boosting the local production sector thus FIXING the Australian economy!

Amazing.

It's only fit that Milkcrate Magazine - Melbourne's very own blog dedicated to all things completely unrelated to milkcrates - brings you Katie-Watch (TM). When Katie lands in our fair country with her crazy religion and her mad attempts at acting, we'll be right here, on the internet, bringing you the news.

The film will be a remake of the 1973 telemovie Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark which is due to begin shooting in coming months. It has been written and will be produced by Guillermo del Toro, who recently produced the very scary El Orphanto. Creepy dead kids with sacks on their head - the stuff of nightmares. A little like Katie's oh-so-cute* half-smile.

*May actually be more vom-inducing than oh-so-cute.

Terrible TV

This morning at the gym in Santa Monica (Oh – I’m so LA), I had the utter misfortune of having to catch the only thing worse than Australian and British mid morning television. That’s right. American mid morning television. Mysoginist. Vapid. Downright creepy. It goes by the name of Regis and Kelly. I’m still not sure which is Regis and which is Kelly, but I don’t think it matters much.

First, this ancient geezer comes on, holding the hand of his cohost (toothpaste ad smile, blonde, tanned, young enough to be his granddaughter). He leers at her, and tells her half a dozen times how gorgeous she is. He checks her breasts out at least twice in the first five minutes of the show. I felt like shouting at the screen : “Yep. They’re still there!”. During the course of their opening banter it becomes apparent that this poor lass is like an inarticulate-airheaded-deer-in-high-def-camera-headlights. I’m not sure what I found worse. The fact she kept likening things to “being at school” “coming back to school” “It’s like the school bully” (Get this woman a therapist!). Or the heavy handed manner her male co host moved the conversation to unrelated subject matter, abruptly cutting her off with no segue. He then proceeds to read odd news items from a white paper (auto cue, anyone?) while she giggles and smiles at inappropriate moments. I am transfixed. It’s like watching a live Amy Winehouse performance. Benjamin Bratt comes on to talk about his new show where he plays an ex heroin addict (at this point, Blondie gasps : “Oh my!”) who has turned his life around and is now in servitude to the Lord (!). Sounds rivetting. Pity, I don't own a television, here. Sigh. Then there’s a go go dancer. No. Really. A go go dancer. From Jersey. Go go dancing in aid of a “spin the wheel” style competition. “I like the way they make them Jersey girls!”, the geezer gaffaws. Turns out the Jersey girl is Security Guard by day. “She can secure me anytime she wants…”. Blondie laughs along. The phone-in caller who wishes to spin the wheel has recently moved states. Blondie looks genuinely shocked. “Don’t you miss the corn… and the blueberries?”

Possibly the only thing worse than mid morning presenters is the mid morning weather people. I don’t catch much TV news, but I have noticed a startling trend. If there’s a hurricane, a freak storm, a flood, whatever, it is the humiliating task of the weather person to stand amongst the (arguably dangerous) weather and attempt (usually with very limited success) to give a live report of the conditions.
It reminds me somewhat of this:


If you want to see Geezer being a right old perve and Blondie chattering away inanely, go here.

Updateyness: Ryan Adams Responds To Courtney Love

Ryan Adams has finally responded to the claims that he stole from Courtney Love and from her daughter Frances Bean to fund his album 'Rock And Roll".

"I've been dealing with the truth that I have at times been a bad example and/or glorified self destructive behavior. This was never intentional, but rather a consequence of leading a public life in plain sight and never expecting any sort of preferential treatment, isolation or protection," states Adams.

"I've realized and accepted that if people decide to dislike me, they're going to find reasons to justify disliking me. There's nothing I can do about that. That said, it still does pain me to be accused of fictional crimes against innocents or to be implicated in romantic gossip involving the possibly reality-challenged--however unreliable the source or outlandish the accusations. In the end, however, I know that I have never done or even meant anyone any harm."

Greetings from the Slack-Asses at Milkcrate

Firstly, I would like to welcome you all to the new financial year! Isn't it exciting!? Why don't we get a Financial New Year's Eve? Is partying like it's 1999 really to be restricted to once a year? Bar humbug (or similar).

Anyway now for some news in which Ryan Adams apparently stole a milliondy bucks from Courtney Love's spawn Frances Bean Cobain to make his 2003 albulm Rock'n'Roll. Apparently because Courtney has 29 credit cards, it took her a few years to notice .. hmmm. Ryan, why aren't you blogging anymore? We want to hear your side. And a song about it.

Dept. of Awful Warnings

A hyperventilating David Thomson adds a new entry to his Biographical Dictionary of Film. In the meantime, Rex Reed is just so over it.

I love you, PeePee

I remember years ago sitting in a beer garden somewhere with fellow Milkcrate writer, Soira, telling her about my love of Parker Posey.

The night before I'd had a dream about her singing "God Loves A Terrier" from Best In Show to me [which she didnt sing in the film, which is a shame]. I believe this was because before I went to bed I was listening to Ryan Adams album Rock'N'Roll where she lends her somewhat surprising backing vocals to and wrote a song together.

Anyway, I spend a great many drunken hours preaching about the wonders of Parker Posey - or PeePee as I like to call her, that night.

She had just broken up with Ryan Adams, and I was a little heartbroken. I missed reading interviews where she's mentioned nosing around and sometimes taking part on the interview. I missed reading blogs reporting that the writer had just spotting them in a comic shop/video shop /walking down the street off their chops at any time of the day/night. They were my ideal couple - both a bit spazz and so very wonderful.

It pained me to see photos of Ryan wearing a Batman shirt while she was off filming Superman Returns. I wanted them to sort out their strange way of bickering and just get back together so my favourite nutbag actress and my favourite nutbag musician can be in nutbag-love again.

She's one of those actresses that is amazing and hilarious and steals every scene she's in [and knows how to play the mandolin!] and I believe she's very underused.

Parker Posey Trivia:
Did you know that PeePee was considered for the role of Rachel in Friends?
Did you know that PeePee was considered for the role that went to Cameron Diaz in My Best Friends Wedding?

If she had got both of those roles, I probably would be a fan of both.
Friends would have been unmissable instead of being unbearable. Imagine Rupert Everett and PeePee in the same film together!

Why doesnt she get all the roles she deserves? I think I've figured the reason.
She was born in Baltimore, Maryland, home and playground for John Waters, Tori Amos, John Astin [who played Gomez Addams in the tv series The Addams Family], David Byrne of Talking Heads, David Hasselhoff , Jeff Koons [strange artist who made a sculpture of a puppy out of flowers], Jada Pinkett-Smith [who is now a scientologist] and Sisqó [the guy who did that 'Thong Song'.

As you can see from that list, there's something in the water in Baltimore. It makes you unconventional and a little strange.

PeePee started out on television in a daytime soap opera. I cant quite imagine her being in a soap opera unless its a scene in a Christopher Guest mockumentary (if you havenit seen For Your Consideration or Best In Show, you MUST).

I was so happy to hear that she's going to be in John Waters new film, Fruitcake. Its a match made in [Baltimore] heaven!

I haven't seen You've Got Mail that stars the two most obnoxious people in the world bar Julia Roberts, but apparently PeePee's in that. I bet she's amazing. And she almost saved Superman Returns from being the big pile of steaming torturingly bad dogshit that we know it as. Even Kevin "I'm in the closet and I'm never ever, ever, coming out!" Spacey couldn't save that wreck. I went and saw that in the cinema just because she was in it.
See, that's how much I love Pee Pee.

[Dear PeePee, get back with Ryan, for the sake of the children! ie. me!]

Note added by NikkiMaloo: The ever-charming Parker Posey also plays the title character in Fay Grim, which opens at independent cinemas around Melbourne tomorrow. This almost-parody film about espionage sees PeePee jetted to France in order to recover some books written by her former husband in the director's last film Henry Fool, which, instead of being the boring jibberish they were initially deemed as, turn out to be code containing U.S. political secrets and are being hunted globally by the Russian AND Arabic governments. Sounds like a lot of twoddle doesn't it? Well it is, but Parker Posey shines through.

Douze Pointes

Its the time of the year where people congregate in pubs and lounge rooms around the world [mostly Europe but other pockets celebrate it too] and discuss the highs and lows of this years Eurovision. Each year the winning song is met with howls of protest and a song that didn't make it through the finals is cheered.

Its the time of year when your learn who your real friends are [the ones who love Eurovision] and make new friends as people you felt you have nothing in common with confess their dirty little Eurovision-love secret.

This year was the 53rd competition and it definitely hasn't run out of steam.

For english speaking viewers, BBC radio and television broadcaster Terry Wogan's commentary makes it more entertaining as he makes scathing but honest comments about costumes, hosts, and songs . Hell, he comments discouraging about everything! Bjorn Erichsen, director of Eurovision television, criticised Sir Terry Wogan stating "Wogan is a problem because he makes it ridiculous". I'm pretty sure Milkcrate readers will agree Eurovision contestants do do that by themselves with no help from Wogan!

Here in Australia people love it for the bizarre, but in Europe its a very serious contest. Each country whether or not they make it to the finals, get to vote up to 12 points to their favourites [their favourites usually being their neighbouring countries and the occasional 'Please dont attack and take over our country' vote.] So it comes as little surprise Russia usually makes it into the top 3 songs each year.

Each year it becomes more political due to this voting trend, and you can spot which country will vote for who from a mile away. Like block voting between the eastern, Balkan, Baltic and Nordic countries.

The United Kingdom rarely present a song worthy of winning [though Scooch's queerer than queer Air Hostess last year was pretty fantastic] but they will always be in the final, along with Germany, Spain and France as they finance the whole thing.

Being a non-European I don't understand how exactly it could be taken seriously. It's always full of drag queens, amazing stripping costume changes and very bizarre novelty songs.

I personally love the semi-finals. This is where the cracktastic gems are found. Deemed to be too ridiculous to be a contender for the winning song but are loved around the world as an underdog.

This year's semi-finals favourite was Ireland's "Irelande Douze Pointe" by Dustin The Turkey.
Dustin, a hand puppet, mangles his way through a barely audible rant pleading for 12 points. One UK newspaper reported: "Strait-laced bosses at the European Broadcasting Union are checking the rules to see if Dustin can be BARRED. One highly placed source said: “A puppet on Eurovision would make a mockery of all that the contest stands for.”

Really? It certainly summed up Eurovision for me.

Milkcrate's picks were Spain's Baila el Chiki Chiki, (see right) with their Spanish middle-aged Elvis, Bosnia and Herzegovina's Pokušaj with their elderly brides and a washing line and Crotia's Romanca consisting of two elderly dementia-suffering rappers.

There was one song that was outstanding. Outstanding due to it being semi-serious yet amazing and looking like something that would be on the music channels in the english speaking world - Sebastien Tellier [and his golf cart and bearded ladies] with Divine

The song that did win was Dima Bilan with their song 'Believe' from Russia [surprise surprise!] . It had what seem to be the staple elements of a good Eurovision song - singer dressed in white, painful sincerity, a candle and at least one person rolling around on the floor [although it was missing a wind machine or some stripping]. It also had a violin player as well as an ice skater - that looked like Peter Tork from The Monkees - for no reason what so ever other than to take you're attention away from how boring the song was. Keep a look out for the terrifying Bob Downe-esque twist and smile at the camera from the skater.

The song that came third and SHOULD have won was a song called 'Secret Combination' by Kalomira from Greece. This presentation had a controversial shock in that the singer did not at all strip but but more clothes on!

It had the catchy chorus of:

My secret combination
It 's a mystery for you
Use your imagination
I'm not easy but I'm true

and ended with the dazzling lyrics of:

An open book
An open book
Well I'm sorry I am not
Sometimes I'm acting like a lady
Sometimes woman, sometimes baby

So that's Eurovision over for another year. I cant wait for 2009's strangeness hosted in Russia.

The Latest in Atrocities

Sequels.

Is there anything more likely to destroy a cult film?

The answer - No.

Forever after any discussion of the film will no longer be talk of the films attributes but of the sequels short comings.

"I loved that movie" will forever have the suffix "but not the sequel."

And the latest to suffer this act of malicious sabotage?

The ominous self-enclosed film about coming to terms with life and death and where one stands between them.

Donnie Darko.

I'm sorry. This isn't a practical joke. This film is in production as we speak.

Donnie Darko's writer/director Richard Kelly has stated on his blog at MySpace
"I haven't read this script. I have absolutely no involvement with this production, nor will I ever
be involved.

I have no control over the rights from our original film, and neither I
nor my producing partner Sean McKittrick stand to make any money from
this film."

Why do bad things happen to good films?

The Sequel's script was written by someone called Nathan Atkins... (??) and is to be directed by Chris Fisher, whose previous works include the critical and commercial failures - Nightstalker, Dirty, and Rampage: The Hillside Strangler Murders.

Fisher has stated: "I am a great admirer of Richard Kelly's film and hope to create a similar world of blurred fantasy and reality."

Which is good, because we all know that when trying to emulate someone else's vision, you're doomed certain of success!

It seems that only one person from the original has decided to return - Daviegh Chase will reprise her role as Donnie's younger sister Samantha Darko.


From Screen Daily:

"The story picks up seven years after the first film (and Donnie's death) when little sister Samantha Darko and her best friend Corey are now 18 and on a roadtrip to Los Angeles when they are plagued by bizarre visions.
[...]

Simon Crowe of Velvet Octopus added: "I think there is a new generation of cinema-goers who will be very excited to see this film."
[...]

Crowe quipped to ScreenDaily: "Donnie's not in [the new film] but there are meteorites and rabbits."


Well then. At least there's rabbits.

Open Letter

Dear Ryan Adams,

I know you probably have your fair share of stalkers. And I am probably one of them, because I feel like we would be friends if I looked more like Parker Posey and you lived in Melbourne. I didn't think your Tumblr blog was bipolar, and you're right: reachin' out is what normal people do.

If I had a robot cat, I would probably call her "Daryl Hannah Cat The Robot" too. Actually, now I'm thinking about it, I might have called her "Rose McGowan Cat" because I saw Planet Terror recently. And any girl that can pull off having a machine gun for a leg and still look sexy DESERVES to have lots of things named after her.

Love Milkcrate's Unicorn. xx

PS: Ryan, I never had the need to Google unicorn before now, let alone find a link for the bitch! So I thank you for opening another faucet for The Big MC.

Related Link

PPS: And to quote stereogum.com, "From now on if you are going to slag off Ry's Tumblr, don't call it bipolar; its name is Foggy"

Wot's Going On With The Stars?

Yep. Milkcrate is in on the pulse of celeb gossip. Don't get me wrong, we're no Perez Hilton, but we do like to keep track of what's going on with the stars. Aww, we're just like MX!!

I know Milkcrate's readers are constantly asking themselves 'How does Demi Moore keep her skin looking so youthful?!'. Well in true dedication to it's readers, Milkcrate brings you the answer -- it's leeches. Not just any leeches from a swamp though, these are highly trained medical leeches, cutting edge technology, according to Demi.

Apparently the leeches get 'super-drunk' on her blood, and it helps her 'detoxify'. Hot. Last I heard, once you remove blood it's gone, not 'freshened up'.

In other freaky face news, Priscilla Presley got a hit of uber-crap botox recently, when she became a 'victim' of Dr Daniel Serrano (AKA Dr Jiffy Lube), who apparently hustles poor innocent celebs out of their hard earned buck by infusing them with low grade silicon -- normally used to lubricate car parts!

According to Priscilla's site "Beauty and Priscilla Presley are almost synonymous". Almost. Not quite. I like to use the expression "Priscilla Presley is in the eye of the beholder".