"Cross my paypal with credits and I'll read your keyboard"

I think personal keyboards are the new time capsules.

People spend more time in front of their computers now than they did 10 years ago. Many hours per a day, several days a week are spent there. Those not of the anal retentive persuasion eat, drink and and do other things in front of the computer.

What's trapped behind [and on] keys says a lot about a person.

For instance, my keyboard would be a blessing for an archaeologist as its almost a complete archive of my personal habits.

I have a black battered keyboard. Beneath the keys is a jungle of fuzzy tobacco, ash, loose hair and dog hair. On the keyboard itself there's always a few ash-turds, little melted spots, mass amount of grime and a generous smattering of suspect human fluids.

My favourite keys are 2, spacebar, M, A, N and >. The 'control', 'windows' and F3 [which brings up the 'find' toolbar] keys are covered in thick grime as if never used.

Maybe there's a new job description out there? keyboard readers are the new palm/tarot readers: "I see you have a history of homosexual activity and have a reluctance to commit as you feel people are inferior to you. I also see that you have no control in your life and cant find your path. You also have a lack of vitamin B and will die of lung cancer."

Dept. of Awful Warnings

A hyperventilating David Thomson adds a new entry to his Biographical Dictionary of Film. In the meantime, Rex Reed is just so over it.

Kylie

Our Kylie received an OBE yesterday.


Outside, in the Palace's courtyard in the sunshine after the ceremony, the pop start took questions graciously. The thing that made her nervous was deciding "what to wear". No tears, just excitement. "I was overwhelmed, nervous, I am so honoured." she said.

Is that her excuse for looking like she's a wearing a children's talent show curtain?

Yay for the Segway!

Awww, look everyone! China invented the 'Shoot and Scoot'! Nice work guys!

Surprise!

There's just so much that is deliciously wrong about this picture... I just don't know where to start... That won't stop me, though!

Is Chloe surprised? Is Olivia surprised? They sure both look surprised. Methinks they share a (ultra cheap) surgeon (with a nasty sense of humour).



I recently heard a hilarious rumour of the LA variety... apparently... Um... Ohh... Well... I can't say it....We'll get sued... But... (on a completely unrelated note) if it turned out that your famous mum and barely famous dad were both friends of a woman called Dorothy and only got married / had a child to quash Hollywood gossip about what they did (or didn't ) get up to regularly, surely that would be enough to send you a bit crazy / off your food / to a surgeon.

I love you, PeePee

I remember years ago sitting in a beer garden somewhere with fellow Milkcrate writer, Soira, telling her about my love of Parker Posey.

The night before I'd had a dream about her singing "God Loves A Terrier" from Best In Show to me [which she didnt sing in the film, which is a shame]. I believe this was because before I went to bed I was listening to Ryan Adams album Rock'N'Roll where she lends her somewhat surprising backing vocals to and wrote a song together.

Anyway, I spend a great many drunken hours preaching about the wonders of Parker Posey - or PeePee as I like to call her, that night.

She had just broken up with Ryan Adams, and I was a little heartbroken. I missed reading interviews where she's mentioned nosing around and sometimes taking part on the interview. I missed reading blogs reporting that the writer had just spotting them in a comic shop/video shop /walking down the street off their chops at any time of the day/night. They were my ideal couple - both a bit spazz and so very wonderful.

It pained me to see photos of Ryan wearing a Batman shirt while she was off filming Superman Returns. I wanted them to sort out their strange way of bickering and just get back together so my favourite nutbag actress and my favourite nutbag musician can be in nutbag-love again.

She's one of those actresses that is amazing and hilarious and steals every scene she's in [and knows how to play the mandolin!] and I believe she's very underused.

Parker Posey Trivia:
Did you know that PeePee was considered for the role of Rachel in Friends?
Did you know that PeePee was considered for the role that went to Cameron Diaz in My Best Friends Wedding?

If she had got both of those roles, I probably would be a fan of both.
Friends would have been unmissable instead of being unbearable. Imagine Rupert Everett and PeePee in the same film together!

Why doesnt she get all the roles she deserves? I think I've figured the reason.
She was born in Baltimore, Maryland, home and playground for John Waters, Tori Amos, John Astin [who played Gomez Addams in the tv series The Addams Family], David Byrne of Talking Heads, David Hasselhoff , Jeff Koons [strange artist who made a sculpture of a puppy out of flowers], Jada Pinkett-Smith [who is now a scientologist] and Sisqó [the guy who did that 'Thong Song'.

As you can see from that list, there's something in the water in Baltimore. It makes you unconventional and a little strange.

PeePee started out on television in a daytime soap opera. I cant quite imagine her being in a soap opera unless its a scene in a Christopher Guest mockumentary (if you havenit seen For Your Consideration or Best In Show, you MUST).

I was so happy to hear that she's going to be in John Waters new film, Fruitcake. Its a match made in [Baltimore] heaven!

I haven't seen You've Got Mail that stars the two most obnoxious people in the world bar Julia Roberts, but apparently PeePee's in that. I bet she's amazing. And she almost saved Superman Returns from being the big pile of steaming torturingly bad dogshit that we know it as. Even Kevin "I'm in the closet and I'm never ever, ever, coming out!" Spacey couldn't save that wreck. I went and saw that in the cinema just because she was in it.
See, that's how much I love Pee Pee.

[Dear PeePee, get back with Ryan, for the sake of the children! ie. me!]

Note added by NikkiMaloo: The ever-charming Parker Posey also plays the title character in Fay Grim, which opens at independent cinemas around Melbourne tomorrow. This almost-parody film about espionage sees PeePee jetted to France in order to recover some books written by her former husband in the director's last film Henry Fool, which, instead of being the boring jibberish they were initially deemed as, turn out to be code containing U.S. political secrets and are being hunted globally by the Russian AND Arabic governments. Sounds like a lot of twoddle doesn't it? Well it is, but Parker Posey shines through.

When a Tree Falls in the Woods

If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

To end this argument once and for all, I headed into the woods.

There were three things I would need.

1 - A video camera with a working microphone.

2 - A tree that would fall within my limited window for this experiment.

3 - A second tree to be used as a control subject.

After several hours of searching, I finally found a suitable tree for the experiment. It was a great distance from the local population and through a series of tests determined that no one would accidentally hear the tree fall and thus ruin the experiment. All the leaves had long since fallen and It had significant rotting around the base, It was only a matter of a few days until this giant would fall.

I set up my video camera with a motion activated sensor. If the tree moved more than a few inches, it would be recorded.

I left my subject to it's own schedule and went on to find my control subject.

In order to prove that a sound is made by a tree that isn't heard, first I would need to show that a tree with an audience makes a sound.

After another short search I found my perfect control subject. It looked much like the subject of my experiment minus the rot around the base. I grabbed my axe and went to work chopping at the tree.

It took several hours of 'experimenting' with my axe in hand, when I finally came to the conclusion that a tree with an audience does, in fact, make several sounds.

First, it makes a deep rumbling groan. This is followed closely by the sound of the tree cutting through the air as it falls toward the earth. Soon afterwards comes the crushing sounds of the tree landing on somebody's rooftop and crashing through into their living room.

This is followed close behind by a lot of shouting and finally sirens approaching from the distance as I decided that it was time to check back with my experiment...

Fast.

As I approached my experiment I was happy to find that the tree had already made it's final descent and landed on the ground, knocking over another couple of trees in the process. My results should be very conclusive.

Unfortunately, as I arrived at the site of my experiment I found that my camera had been stolen.

I searched the site for any evidence of who had stolen my camera but found only leaves. There was only one conclusion I could have come to. I believe this theft to be part of a vast conspiracy by the trees, in an attempt to keep quiet the sounds of the unwitnessed forest.

They will not succeed in keeping me quiet for long.

Until next time, I'll be working on the sound of one hand clapping...

Hal Spacejock: No Free Lunch

Simon Haynes, Australian author and programmer, has finally released the next book in the Hal Spacejock series - Hal Spacejock: No Free Lunch.


If you enjoy TV shows like the Young Ones, Blackadder, Red Dwarf and Dr Who, or books by Douglas Adams, Terry Pratchett, Tom Holt or Jasper Fforde, then the bestselling Hal Spacejock series is for you.

If you haven't read any of Simon Haynes' brilliant series yet then you can try it out for free in Ebook format. Download Hal Spacejock 1 Here

Be warned though, once you read one you'll want to read them all.

Rock out good, lock out bad

The lockout is a three-month trial of 2am late entry bans for pubs, bars and nightclubs.

During the trial, licensees in the inner city council areas of Port Phillip, Stonnington, Melbourne including Docklands and Yarra councils cannot allow patrons to enter their venues from 2am to 7am. Patrons who are already in a venue can remain until closing time but cannot leave and re-enter the premises.

The size and reach of the lockout - major suburbs affected

Figures in brackets indicate count of pubs/bars/nightclubs in that suburb.

• Melbourne CBD (250)
• Abbotsford (12)
• Carlton [North] (28)
• Collingwood (23)
• Docklands (12)
• Fitzroy [North] (75)
• North Melbourne (21)
• Port Melbourne (22)
• Prahran (24)
• Richmond (43)
• South Yarra (24)
• Southbank (19)
• St Kilda [East/West] (47)
• West Melbourne (10)
• Windsor (13)

Included are suburbs with 10+ venues. Click on suburb to list venues. Figures taken from MelbournePubs.com 05/05/08.

Some of the arguments raised

Webmasters & blog owners, please contact us with a digest of issues raised so that we can include them in this section.

For

• Restores the balance between Melbourne's vibrant nightlife and the increase in alcohol-related violence, anti-social behaviour and alcohol related health problems.
• Stops pub crawls that lead to violence.
• Reduces the amount of people 'venue hopping' late at night often after they have been kicked out of another venue.
• The majority of alcohol related violence occurs on the streets as people move from venue to venue not in the actual venues themselves.
• Late entry bans control the movement of people and allow police to target key times around 2am. This gives police a greater ability to manage people not in a venue late at night.
• The lock-out will last for five hours, giving police time to clear the streets and for drunks to sober up.

Against

Note: Venues generally close at either 1am, 3am or 5/6/7am (it is unusual for a venue to close at 2am)

• The majority of law-abiding people punished by the actions of a small minority.
• Loss of freedom of choice.
• Reduction in civil liberties.
• Having to choose one venue for the rest of your night.
• Spoils what makes Melbourne a wonderful city.
• Death of the entertainment scene and vibe in Melbourne.
• Hospitality staff unable to go out after work.
• Shift-workers unable to go out after work.
• Bands & DJs unable to travel to late gigs.
• Not being able to meet friends at other venues.
• Venues closing after 3am selectively choosing which patrons to let inside.
• Venues closing after 3am raising cover charges.
• 1am-2am spillover period with the streets full of people.
• Queues outside venues that stay open after 3am forming before 2am.
• Still standing in a queue when the clock hits 2am leads to a large group being stranded on the street.
• Having such a large group of people roaming the streets will only add more problems for an already stretched police force.
• Queues and tension hailing taxis at 2am for those left stranded, thus now unable to continue their night.
• Queues and tension hailing taxis at 3am for those leaving 3am-closing venues, thus now unable to continue their night.
• Small-capacity late-opening venues unable to replace ejected patrons, leading to a sparser crowd.
• Small-capacity late-opening venues unable to replace patrons going home, leading to a sparser crowd.
• Increased operational costs for venues, which will be passed on to the patron.
• Loss of revenue and business for venues.
• Door staff (cashiers, greeters etc) having their hours of work cut back at least 10 hours per week.
• Loss of hospitality jobs.
• 1am happy hours at post-3am venues to lure patrons away from other, earlier-closing venues.
• Vehicle travel to non-curfewed entertainment areas - increased risk of drink-drivers & road accidents.
• Thousands of revellers descending on e.g. Moonee Ponds after 2am.
• Devaluation in city apartment prices.
• Encourages illegal after-hours bars to operate.
• No readily-accessible statistics made available to the public on violence levels.

Other comments

• Overwhelmingly these issues of late night violence, anti-social behaviour, are related to late night clubs and nightclubs. Pubs are concerned that they might be unreasonably targeted in some situations.
• England removed their 11pm closing times in 2005 to stop violence.
• Bendigo 2am curfew is financially hurting venues that must close by 3:00am.

[taken from http://www.2amlockout.com.au/ ]

http://www.melbournelockedout.com/

Douze Pointes

Its the time of the year where people congregate in pubs and lounge rooms around the world [mostly Europe but other pockets celebrate it too] and discuss the highs and lows of this years Eurovision. Each year the winning song is met with howls of protest and a song that didn't make it through the finals is cheered.

Its the time of year when your learn who your real friends are [the ones who love Eurovision] and make new friends as people you felt you have nothing in common with confess their dirty little Eurovision-love secret.

This year was the 53rd competition and it definitely hasn't run out of steam.

For english speaking viewers, BBC radio and television broadcaster Terry Wogan's commentary makes it more entertaining as he makes scathing but honest comments about costumes, hosts, and songs . Hell, he comments discouraging about everything! Bjorn Erichsen, director of Eurovision television, criticised Sir Terry Wogan stating "Wogan is a problem because he makes it ridiculous". I'm pretty sure Milkcrate readers will agree Eurovision contestants do do that by themselves with no help from Wogan!

Here in Australia people love it for the bizarre, but in Europe its a very serious contest. Each country whether or not they make it to the finals, get to vote up to 12 points to their favourites [their favourites usually being their neighbouring countries and the occasional 'Please dont attack and take over our country' vote.] So it comes as little surprise Russia usually makes it into the top 3 songs each year.

Each year it becomes more political due to this voting trend, and you can spot which country will vote for who from a mile away. Like block voting between the eastern, Balkan, Baltic and Nordic countries.

The United Kingdom rarely present a song worthy of winning [though Scooch's queerer than queer Air Hostess last year was pretty fantastic] but they will always be in the final, along with Germany, Spain and France as they finance the whole thing.

Being a non-European I don't understand how exactly it could be taken seriously. It's always full of drag queens, amazing stripping costume changes and very bizarre novelty songs.

I personally love the semi-finals. This is where the cracktastic gems are found. Deemed to be too ridiculous to be a contender for the winning song but are loved around the world as an underdog.

This year's semi-finals favourite was Ireland's "Irelande Douze Pointe" by Dustin The Turkey.
Dustin, a hand puppet, mangles his way through a barely audible rant pleading for 12 points. One UK newspaper reported: "Strait-laced bosses at the European Broadcasting Union are checking the rules to see if Dustin can be BARRED. One highly placed source said: “A puppet on Eurovision would make a mockery of all that the contest stands for.”

Really? It certainly summed up Eurovision for me.

Milkcrate's picks were Spain's Baila el Chiki Chiki, (see right) with their Spanish middle-aged Elvis, Bosnia and Herzegovina's Pokušaj with their elderly brides and a washing line and Crotia's Romanca consisting of two elderly dementia-suffering rappers.

There was one song that was outstanding. Outstanding due to it being semi-serious yet amazing and looking like something that would be on the music channels in the english speaking world - Sebastien Tellier [and his golf cart and bearded ladies] with Divine

The song that did win was Dima Bilan with their song 'Believe' from Russia [surprise surprise!] . It had what seem to be the staple elements of a good Eurovision song - singer dressed in white, painful sincerity, a candle and at least one person rolling around on the floor [although it was missing a wind machine or some stripping]. It also had a violin player as well as an ice skater - that looked like Peter Tork from The Monkees - for no reason what so ever other than to take you're attention away from how boring the song was. Keep a look out for the terrifying Bob Downe-esque twist and smile at the camera from the skater.

The song that came third and SHOULD have won was a song called 'Secret Combination' by Kalomira from Greece. This presentation had a controversial shock in that the singer did not at all strip but but more clothes on!

It had the catchy chorus of:

My secret combination
It 's a mystery for you
Use your imagination
I'm not easy but I'm true

and ended with the dazzling lyrics of:

An open book
An open book
Well I'm sorry I am not
Sometimes I'm acting like a lady
Sometimes woman, sometimes baby

So that's Eurovision over for another year. I cant wait for 2009's strangeness hosted in Russia.